More quotes

Cleaning out the inbox leads to this discovery:

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I''ll have another beer." - W. C. Fields

Technorati Tags: quotes

You have two cows...

DEMOCRATIC
 You have two cows.
 Your neighbor has none.
 You feel guilty for being successful.
 Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
 You have two cows.
 Your neighbor has none.
 So?
SOCIALIST
 You have two cows.
 The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
 You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
 You have two cows.
 The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
 You wait in line for hours to get it.
 It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
 You have two cows.
 You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
 You have two cows.
 Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot
 the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
 You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
  surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
  analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
 Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 You go on strike because you want three cows.
 You go to lunch and drink wine.
 Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
  and produce twenty times the milk.
 They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
 Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
  excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
 Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
 You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
 While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
 You break for lunch.
 Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 You have some vodka.
 You count them and learn you have five cows.
 You have some more vodka.
 You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
 The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. 
TALIBAN CORPORATION
 You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
 You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's parts.
 You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
  alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 They go into hiding.
 They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
 You have two bulls.
 Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
 You have one cow.
 The cow is schizophrenic.
 Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
 The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
 The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
 The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
 The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
 You have a black cow and a brown cow.
 Everyone votes for the best looking one.
 Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
  vote for the black one.
 Some people vote for both.
 Some people vote for neither.
 Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
 Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you
  think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
 You have millions of cows.
 They  make real California cheese.
 Only five speak English.
 Most are illegals.
 Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Technorati Tags: cow+humor

Ten Ways of Cheney

Technorati Tags: dick+cheney

Cartoon of the day

A long list of pretty good cartoons just came over the email transom, but this one was the one that made me chuckle the most. Humor is such an odd thing, isn't it?

Technorati Tags: cartoon

Old Jokes

I just saw this joke on a mailing list:

This would be akin to the old story about a performer auditioning before a theater manager. The performer floats above the stage under his own power and then flies from one end of the theater to the other. The performer then lands back on the stage. The theater manage asks "do you do anything else other than bird imitations?"

And that reminded me of this one:

Dog Talents

A guy walks into a talent agency with a dog, and says "I've got a great act...my dog can actually talk."

"Surrrre he can," replies the talent agent, "prove it."

So the fellow asks the dog, "What is on top of a building?"

"Roof, roof!" the dog replies.

"What does sandpaper feel like?"

"Rough, rough!" the dog replies.

The talent agent starts to get impatient as the man asks his dog,

"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth, Ruth!" says the dog.

Instantly the talent agent throws open the door, and kicks the pair out of his office.

After a few seconds, the dog looks up at his master and says,

"Should I have said DiMaggio?"

Lawns...

Just got back from a lunch time lawn mowing over to my mother-in-law's. The grass had grown an incredible amount in just over a week, as it does here in New England during the springtime. And I'm going to need a machete to hack my way through our backyard if I don't get out and cut it this weekend, again after less than a week. I should really get one of those push rotary mowers, for both ecological and physiological reasons, but I still like whacking my way through with my lawnmower. Hey, at least it is a four stroke engine. Up until a few years ago, I had an old Lawnboy two stroke, which is about as polluting a device as you could buy. I don't even think they sell them any more.

Anyway, all this lawn mowing brings to mind a favorite joke I've kept around:

GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in The world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the Dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a Perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, Withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of Songbirds.

I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are These green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's Temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass Growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and Poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow Really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will Grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and Saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in The spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and Protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to Enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great Piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the Winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy Something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in Place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the Mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us Tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a real stupid movie about -

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

Technorati Tags: lawns lawn+mowing humor

Spy Humor

Put'em down

"That's not even wrong yet"

Technorati Tags: humor

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking, and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a Wife Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Technorati Tags: humor husband+store

Toll Booth Squeeze

This picture, as posted on Joho The Blog, is just too funny:

Given our recent history with car accidents, it's a pleasure to see someone else's pain. G and the girls were involved in a minor bumper thumper yesterday morning on the way to school. Someone smacked into the back of the minivan, driving them into the back of the car in front of them. Luckily, no one was hurt and damage to the car was minimal. But still enough to be aggravating, especially seeing as we just got the minivan back from the shop after its last contretemps.

Technorati Tags: photos humor tollbooth

Dear Dogs and Cats

The latest joke to come over the email transom:

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

Technorati Tags: humor dogs cats pets

Quote-alicious

Continuing on the tradition from yesterday, here's some more one liners and quotes. This time, they are even formatted for easy insertion into your own fortune file. Many thanks to Quotations of the Day for nearly all of these.

Rita Rudner
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It
wasn't mine.
%
Barbara Tober
Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening.
%
William Shakespeare
I dote on his very absence.
%
Doug Larson
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be
better to change the locks.
%
Salvador Dali
There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
%
Russell Baker
The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately
defeat him.
%
Abraham Lincoln
When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is
my religion.
%
Henry Ward Beecher
Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?
%
J. R. R. Tolkien
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like
less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
%
George Burns
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
%
Thomas Jefferson
Advertisements... contain the only truths to be relied on in a
newspaper.
%
Solomon Short
Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a
cliche -- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For
instance, my grandmother used to say, 'The black cat is always the
last one off the fence.' I have no idea what she meant, but at one
time, it was undoubtedly true.
%
Edward R. Murrow
When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a
circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and
that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well
trained.
%
Franklin P. Jones
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
it.
%
Daniel Webster
A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
bad measures.
%
Laurence J. Peter
The incompetent with nothing to do can still make a mess of it.
%
Bill Vaughan
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist,
it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing
standard of nonconformity.
%
Sir Julian Huxley
Operationally, God is beginning to resemble not a ruler but the last
fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire cat.
%
Ronnie Shakes
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.
%
Tom Stoppard
We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us,
with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of
smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.
%
Umberto Eco
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless
enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as
though it had an underlying truth.
%
John Wilmot
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children;
now I have six children and no theories.
%
New York City detective
I've gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been
told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman
getting ready to arrest her.
%
W. C. Fields
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and
for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
%
Calvin Trillin
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years
she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has
never been found.
%
Herman Melville
A man thinks that by mouthing hard words he understands hard things.
%
Ronald Reagan
The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few
short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate
it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
%
Galileo Galilei
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
%
Aldous Huxley
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
%
Pablo Picasso
There is no abstract art. You must always start with
something. Afterward you can remove all traces of reality.
%
Sir Thomas Beecham
Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several
miles away.
%
Joey Adams
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
your wife asks for nothing.
%
J. Paul Getty
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
%
Sidney J. Harris
Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret
for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.
%
Kurt Herbert Alder
Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the
money to do it right.
%
Mitch Hedberg
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where
they're going and hook up with them later.
%
Friedrich von Schiller
With stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain.
%
Hunter S. Thompson
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long
plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die
like dogs. There's also a negative side.
%
Steven Pearl
I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a
quitter.
%
Bob Edwards
Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more
statesmen.
%
Paul Beatty
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
%
Jimmy Demaret
Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being
good at.
%
John J. Plomp
You know that children are growing up when they start asking
questions that have answers.
%
Harper's Index
Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day,
expressed in M&Ms: 250
%
Steven Weinberg
With or without religion, you would have good people doing good
things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do
evil things, that takes religion.
%
Nikita Khrushchev
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge
even where there is no river.
%
Beryl Pfizer
I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of
spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I
spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.
%
Robert X. Cringely
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the
computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per
gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
%
Robert E. Lee
It is well that war is so terrible, or we should grow too fond of it.
%
Benjamin Stolberg
An expert is a person who avoids small error as he sweeps on to the
grand fallacy.
%
J. W. Schopf
For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond
scum.
%
Patrick Young
The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for
us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.
%
Robert W. Sarnoff
Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it
finally disappears.
%
Warren Beatty
You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether
what you're doing is work or play.
%
George Aiken
If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the
same race, creed and color, we would find some other cause for
prejudice by noon.
%
John Adams
In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man 
is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
%

Technorati Tags: humor quotations

Fortunes

One liners from my fortune today:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire. 
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 
4. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any. 
5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. 
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 
7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
to others. 
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
without your help. 
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments. 
12. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. 
13. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was
probably worth it. 
14. Never mess up an apology with an excuse. 
15. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 
16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 
17. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 
18. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment. 
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket. 
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance. 
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 
23. Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it
holds the universe together. 
24. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 
25. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes. 
26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 
27. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Technorati Tags: humor

Joke Email

Some days, it's not even worth chewing through the restraints

Technorati Tags: humor

A New Pill

Technorati Tags: humor fukitol

Chinese Menu

Very funny dissecting of a Chinese menu, very loosely "translated" into Engrish.

Technorati Tags: humor

Today's Fortune

From today's fortune:

Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
        (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
        (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.

Technorati Tags: humor

Weapons of Math Destruction

Latest joke to come over the email transom:

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to
be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and
a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is
being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y"
and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to
every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes.

Technorati Tags: bush+joke humor

New Bio-Optic Device!

Email joke of the week:

Introducing a new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named: "BOOK".

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKs with more information simply use more pages.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or stepped on without damage. However, it can become unusable if immersed in water for a significant period of time. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

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