Continuing on the tradition from yesterday, here's some more one liners and quotes. This time, they are even formatted for easy insertion into your own fortune file. Many thanks to Quotations of the Day for nearly all of these.
Rita Rudner I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. % Barbara Tober Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening. % William Shakespeare I dote on his very absence. % Doug Larson Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. % Salvador Dali There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad. % Russell Baker The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him. % Abraham Lincoln When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion. % Henry Ward Beecher Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore? % J. R. R. Tolkien I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. % George Burns I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. % Thomas Jefferson Advertisements... contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. % Solomon Short Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, 'The black cat is always the last one off the fence.' I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly true. % Edward R. Murrow When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained. % Franklin P. Jones The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. % Daniel Webster A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures. % Laurence J. Peter The incompetent with nothing to do can still make a mess of it. % Bill Vaughan If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. % Sir Julian Huxley Operationally, God is beginning to resemble not a ruler but the last fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire cat. % Ronnie Shakes My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. % Tom Stoppard We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered. % Umberto Eco I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth. % John Wilmot Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. % New York City detective I've gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her. % W. C. Fields Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. % Calvin Trillin The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. % Herman Melville A man thinks that by mouthing hard words he understands hard things. % Ronald Reagan The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. % Galileo Galilei I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. % Aldous Huxley Maybe this world is another planet's hell. % Pablo Picasso There is no abstract art. You must always start with something. Afterward you can remove all traces of reality. % Sir Thomas Beecham Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away. % Joey Adams A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. % J. Paul Getty If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. % Sidney J. Harris Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. % Kurt Herbert Alder Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right. % Mitch Hedberg I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later. % Friedrich von Schiller With stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain. % Hunter S. Thompson The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side. % Steven Pearl I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter. % Bob Edwards Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more statesmen. % Paul Beatty If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. % Jimmy Demaret Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at. % John J. Plomp You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers. % Harper's Index Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250 % Steven Weinberg With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion. % Nikita Khrushchev Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. % Beryl Pfizer I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on. % Robert X. Cringely If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. % Robert E. Lee It is well that war is so terrible, or we should grow too fond of it. % Benjamin Stolberg An expert is a person who avoids small error as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. % J. W. Schopf For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond scum. % Patrick Young The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it. % Robert W. Sarnoff Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears. % Warren Beatty You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play. % George Aiken If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and color, we would find some other cause for prejudice by noon. % John Adams In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. %
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